Friday, June 15, 2012

looking back...

Audrey Lorea, my one and only child turned 26 last week.  I was 26 when I had her so of course the occasion brought on some reflection.  

        When Audrey's dad and I moved to Miami, Texas in 1984 we began to think about starting a family. The first year went by and I was so disappointed when there was no baby on the way. During the summer of 1985 our church had a special time of revival and prayer with a guest minister.  We had prayer time at the end of the service and the speaker was given a word of knowledge to share with me.  For those that are not familiar with this it is one of the gifts of the Spirit.  He told me that God wanted me to know that my tubes had been blocked but God was opening them in the right time and I would be pregnant soon and have a child within a year.  Well sure enough I found out I was pregnant in late September.
        During the pregnancy my marriage with Audrey's dad begin to be very strained.  We kept things together but it was really difficult to stay positive.   When it was finally time for her arrival I had to deliver with an emergency c-section that left no-time for an epidural which I would have preferred so that I could have been awake to experience the birth.  I woke up in a hospital room and was very disoriented and confused.  No one was there. I had no idea where my mom and David were.  I buzzed the nurses' station and soon a sweet woman came in and asked, Mrs. Thweatt, would you like to see your daughter?  "A daughter?!?  Oh that's what happened...I have a baby girl!"  Now "AUDREY LOREA" wasn't just a name anymore....she was my daughter.  In just a few minutes I held in my arms the most precious creature that I had ever seen. There are truly no words to adequately express all the emotions that engulf you.  
          As I continued to hold her I experienced something spiritually powerful as well.  I did not hear an audible voice but I heard some kind of an inner voice say to me...."It is no coincidence that your first moments with her are alone.  Even though there will be difficult days ahead remember that I am here with you and I will give you strength.  This is the child I promised you."   
          Exactly one year later Audrey's dad and I separated. We had gone to counseling but even the counselor agreed that a separation would be necessary to ease the stressful situation.  My own father had suffered a massive stroke in April and still wasn't out of the hospital. I decided to move back to Kilgore.  As I got settled in to my new little apartment, the words came back to me that I had heard in the hospital that first morning of Audrey's life.  The difficult days were here.  The husband I loved no longer loved me and my father whom I adored and relied on for advice could no longer speak.  Oh how much those words meant to me, now. I knew that my heavenly Father was still there and I was learning to find my strength from Him.   
          Later that summer Audrey's dad decided that he wanted a divorce and that we would be starting a visitation schedule.  I packed her favorite toys and that special blanket she loved so much.  I watched them drive away and thought to'll be'll be okay!!   I walked from the front door to the bathroom and then the reassuring thoughts went to extreme panic. In that moment I fell down on the floor of that tiny restroom and fell apart.  This was too hard.  I didn't want her to be away from me.  I didn't want this.  How could I be sure she was okay?  How could I know what was going on in her life if she wasn't with me?  
         Once again there was a inaudible inner voice that spoke very clearly to my heart.  "I can take care of Audrey whether she is with you or with David.  I  will watch over her and my angels will protect her."   From that moment on I knew that I had to release her to the care of a loving God - an omnipotent being that had more power than I could possibly fathom.  Over the last 25 years I've had to let go many, many, many times:  from countless visits with her dad to going to New York City for college, to Quebec for summer classes and to Paris and other places in Europe all by herself.                
          Audrey is now a strong, adventurous and determined young woman.  I am so proud of what she has become and of how she has made strong choices to show kindness and concern for others. 
I am forever grateful for the incredible blessing that God gave me in the midst of heartache and trials.  She is my "rose of sharon" rose amidst the thorns.  

No comments: